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Today, I had trigger point injections. My doctor felt around for my trigger points and figured out that she could get to the trigger points externally. so she didn't have to use the speculum and give me the injections vaginally. The needle was probably about 3 inches long and very thin. I lay in the stirrups and she stuck me next to my vagina (well like 3 inches away), where my leg meets my under carriage. does that make any sense? Kinda where my butt and legs meet, but between my legs and not behind me.
As they go in, they have to maneuver the needle around bones and ligaments which is what really hurts. the first two shots she hit something she wasn't supposed to while moving around and it REALLY hurt. The left side hurt much more than the right. The injected me with a combination of lidocaine, epinephrine and a steroid. the lidocaine numbs the area, the steroid reduces inflammation and the epi makes it all last longer. They inject into the nerves that run along the pelvis and up into the pelvic floor. As soon as my injections were done, I had to head to physical therapy. I kinda had a break down in my car between the specialist and my physical therapist. I'm just so tired of having people poke and prod and hurt me down there.
At physical therapy, I felt the level of pain and discomfort I usually do when she works on my trigger points, but she could push twice as hard because I was so numb. They are hoping that working the trigger points so hard will help speed along my physical therapy.
Currently, my left leg, on the inside, where it meets my body is killing me. it hurts to sit, stand and walk. I feel really sore deep down in the muscle.
I have to dilate tonight and take my muscle relaxer. I feel so worn down. Its just all so unfair and expensive.I keep trudging through because I know I need to to get over this, but sometimes its really hard. My boyfriend says I can stop if its too much, but I leave for an internship this summer. When I come back I'll have to have a full time job. How will I have time or energy then? I'll just have to start all over again if I take a break now and wait till after my internship.

Writer's Block: Seven

Which of the seven deadly sins—sloth, greed, lust, gluttony, anger, envy, and pride—are you most likely to commit?

in this order:

my crazy weekend

A woman has a right to be the person that she wants to be. Relying on everybody else's judgment is what makes this society so sick." - Jenna Jameson

I had an eye-opening, inspiring weekend. But not a normal inspiring weekend, not like most people would imagine.
My weekend made me question and analyze traditional relationships even more than I already have. Already I hold a rather non-traditional view of romantic relationships. I was already leaning to one side of the continuum, but now I think I have been driven beyond the scope of the contemporary continuum.
First, I went to a party at a house in the woods. They only requirement was to wear whatever you wanted to. so, we did. We were some of the most conservatively dressed people at the house. It was wonderful seeing people express themselves comfortable in their choice of clothes.
I've met beautiful, loving, intriguing polyamorous couples, who couldn't be happier. I now have a real, non-stereotypical understanding of the sub/dom culture. First there was C and J (C being the girl, J being the boy, their names not included for privacy) J is a man of heroic proportions, standing almost 7 feet tall, but built with brawn, unlike most stick thin guys at that height. He had long pretty blond hair he wore in a ponytail. He was warm, welcoming, strong, confident and flirtatious. The kilt helped too I think. C was a tribal style belly dancer and his girlfriend. She was open, friendly, confident, cute and welcoming. They both flirted openly with various people, without being jealous or possessive. J flirted openly with me, warm and inviting. C flirted too, to compliment him. If I were ever a third in a relationship, I would want to be theirs. I would want to stay in their yurt at Pennsic. She danced in her costume in the living room. Then, there was the cute slim couple that tangoed in the living room. Their bond was obvious the moment they started to dance. They were so obviously in love and head over heels for each other. They have been together for 9 years, are married and still so in love. and guess what? They're poly too! I think these couples must have a level of understanding of each other and their needs that most couples never even approach even after years of marriage. Their communication has to be exceptional in order to keep from hurting each other, and a whole lot of maturity is needed to skirt possessiveness and understand that one person can't and shouldn't be expected to fulfill all of their partners needs wants and desires for their entire life. That's quite a burden, one that poly couples don't believe is fair. Upstairs was the BDSM area, which we (me and a friend) only ventured into when no one else was up there, no activity was going on. We went up there and looked around at what was lying on the floor and propped against the wall, and didn't really understand how that sub-culture functions. People expect me to know all about it because I make the leather stuff like collars and cuffs and harnesses and spanking straps when people order them, but just because I know people who do it, and make things they use, doesn't mean I understand.

Then, there was the Temptation event at Volume 11. I had no idea what to expect and I learned a WHOLE LOT. At first, I was there with my female friend and we met up with my best friend from high school and her boyfriend, C and J were there, and then I ran into tons of people I am friend with from my college, an hour away. My best friend, her boyfriend, C, J and I had a big discussion on the dance floor about the BDSM culture. They helped me understand the sub/dom thing, and the hitting, pain/pleasure thing. Although I have known about it for a very long time, due to my parent's shop, I didn't understand how everything worked. I hadn't stepped into the culture. I have made lots of bondage collars and cuffs for groups, individuals and couples, but never truly understood. I had this blurry and stereotypical understanding. During our discussion, we talked about what I wanted, what I needed, how they understood things, how they experienced things. I asked (probably stupid) questions and they were answered without the slightest hint of disdain. I was not looked down on for my naiveté, nor scorned if I wanted something that was a little taboo. They earnestly helped me try to figure out what I wanted, and reassured me it was ok if I wanted something taboo. I even told C and J about my vaginismus. They really listened and understood and offered all kinds of possible solutions. I could tell C actually thought about what I said and applied it. It was so refreshing.
The environment at the event was uninhibited and freeing. I really felt like most of the people there were being their authentic self, which is really rare in our society. People wore what they wanted, danced how they wanted, kissed who they wanted. People could be without being judged. I felt so free to be myself without the worry of ridicule. Women wore what they wanted regardless of how skinny or heavy or how perky, floppy, large or small their boobs were. I felt safer there than I have in public in a really long time.
I was really surprised by how the whole pleasure/pain thing worked. I thought the hitting would be violent and without regard for the comfort of the person being hit. I watched doms using floggers without violence, in an artful way. I watched a dom use one on a girl who was trying it for the first time. He was so gentle- it seemed like the flogger created more of a sensation than pain. He would touch her where the flogger would follow, to let her know it was coming. They communicated constantly, making sure she was comfortable. Of course, some people wanted and liked pain, even high amounts of it, but it wasn't solely about pain. I talked to my best friend's boyfriend about the interaction between sub and dom. He said that in his role, he doesn't enjoy inflicting pain on his girlfriend, but that he enjoys the interaction between them, her enjoyment of what he did to her. I came out of the evening wishing that our society was so embracing of diversity and sexual freedom. Everyone there shed the shackles of social expectations and became their authentic selves. I want to feel free like that. I feel bound up so tight in so many different ways. Why do we let society have any control over our sexuality. What right to others have to tell us what we should and shouldn't want, what is right and wrong? Of course, we must safeguard those who cannot choose, or who are vulnerable, like children, animals and people with mental disabilities, but otherwise we shouldn't be told who we should and shouldn't be with. Being around the polyamorous couples was the opposite of uncomfortable or creepy. Instead I felt the electricity of love and understanding. There is maturity, love, communication and authenticity. The acceptance of their partner's genuine selves, the kind of love that is growing and unselfish. It was refreshing and inspiring, but I know it takes work. My boyfriend came to the event, dreading it. He didn't want to come, but I wanted him to at least be there with me for a while. He told me, (he's 3 years older and much more sexually experienced) that he had already tested the waters of those things and didn't like them. He said he knew he was going to be very uncomfortable there. I just really wanted him to come to the event but couldn't explain why. So he agreed to make an appearance to appease me. He actually ended up having a wonderful time. He said he suddenly felt freer and had a new understanding. He said he felt like he could really act the way he wanted to and wear what he wanted to without fear or dread of ridicule. He said it was nice to be around people who were without inhibitions. We have decided to keep going to those events. The vibe is infectious. I am hoping that we will become closer to the people I became friends with at the party.
The only problem is my dad will be at the next one with me, because we are going to set up a vending table. So that might be a little weird.
I was inspired to make all sorts of new awesome things to sell. There are all these designs trapped in my head at the moment. Harnesses, bustiers, collars, leashes, luxury cuffs, decorative leather, functional and beautiful clothes I won't be able to make for quite a while.

sexuality under scrutiny

so, in response to my previous post about the song "buttons" by the Pussy Cat Dolls, and how sexuality is still inappropriate to talk about in public, and yet TV, music and media is saturated with it. Its ridiculous. I hate how women are seen as sluts, or looked down on for embracing our sexuality. Most recently, I fell in love with Christina Aguilera's new song about exactly that.
"Still Dirrty" - Christina Aguilera
Yeah. Yeah.
Ooh, Ooh, Ohh

If you see me walking down the street
Or in the pages of your magzine
Looking just a little differently
Showing off a softer side of me

They saying I'm looking like a lady
They saying that love is going to change me
But don't be fooled by everything you see
Gotta let the naughty in me free

There's a woman inside of all of us
Who never quite seems to get enough
Trying to play by the rules is rough
Cause sooner or later something's going to erupt

Cause I still got that nasty in me
Still got that dirrty degree (still got it)
And if you want some more sexy
Still got that freak in me
I still got that nasty in me
Still got that dirrty degree (oh yeah)
And if you want some more sexy
Still got that freak in me

No matter what you thinking of me, still dirrty
And if you're still rolling with me, still got it
No matter what you thinking of me, still dirrty
Still got that freak in me

Why is a woman's sexuality
Always under so much scrutiny?
Why can't she do exactly as she please
Without being called a million things?

They say I'm not the girl they used to know (used to know)
'Cause I don't always wear revealing clothes (oh)
But don't be fooled a moment, I can't hold (I can't hold)
I'm letting loose, 'cause then I'd probably choke (don't you know)

There's some women out there who talk and stare
Who never seem to let down their hair
Like to past judgement, but they're just scared
And don't know what they're missing, so they better beware

'Cause I still got that nasty in me
Still got that dirrty degree (ooh)
And if you want some more sexy
Still got that freak in me
I still got that nasty in me
Still got that dirrty degree (oh yeah)
And if you want some more sexy
Still got that freak in me (oh yeah)

No matter what you thinking of me, still dirrty
And if you're still rolling with me, still got it
No matter what you thinking of me, still dirrty
Still got that freak in me

Don't tell me to behave
'Cause I'll never play that game (no)
Don't tell me what to do
'Cause I'll never be uptight like you
Don't look at me that way
'Cause I ain't never gonna change
And if you're talking about my life
You're only wasting your own time

If I want to wear lingere outside of my clothes
If I want to be erotic in my own videos
If I want to be provacative, well that ain't a sin
Maybe you're not comfortable in your own skin

I still got that nasty in me
Still got that dirrty degree (in me)
And if you still want some more sexy
Still got that freak in me
I still got that nasty in me
Still got that dirrty degree (in me)
And if you still want some more sexy
Still got freak in me

Ooh, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.

Sexy X-mas presents for my boy

I'm having a female friend photographer take a picture of me like this one, using my boyfriend's guitar. he actually has the EXACT same guitar as the one in the photo.
Christina Aguilera, PRS
a cheap, sexy present.
the next gift is much more expensive, but I get a little something out of it too!
I wanted to get a stripper pole, and was going to actually build one, thinking it would be cheaper. Then, I found some online that collapse, so I could hide it easily when my parents visit. how much is it? $500. WAY out of my price range. luckily, the ever slutty entrepreneur, Carmen Electra has come out with a professional, collapsible pole for $130. they even have it on Amazon!
Carmen pole kit
pretty pole position


Equality of the sexes? MY ASS

The more I know, the angrier I seem to get. When men started complaining that they couldn't keep their dicks hard as they got old, someone decided to do a shit ton of research and developed a drug to help men keep their dicks hard even in old age.
but what happens when THOUSANDS of virgin girls and women have sex for the first time? Their hymens are ripped open and they endure large amounts of pain. But what happens as a result? Nothing. because we are raised believing that this is SUPPOSED to happen. it is supposed to hurt, it is supposed to tear, we are supposed to bleed. NO. we should ease ourselves into sex. we should be patient with our sexuality. The girl and her partner should slowly introduce insertion in order to stretch the hymen instead of rip it. These painful first time experiences often result in vaginismus. Why aren't we screaming from the rooftops. This is WRONG. this is traumatizing. and we continue to allow it to happen, even EXPECT it to happen. does anyone else see how wrong this is? we are so consumed with the pleasures of men, the suffering of women gets buried.
everyone in America knows what erectile dysfunction is, but how many people in America have ever heard of vaginismus, vuvlodynia or endometriosis? The spell checkers in Microsoft word and here on livejournal both tell me that I'm spelling these words incorrectly. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

vaginismus, sex, virginity

I am sitting here reading all the articles on www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org
And suddenly, I am learning things I never knew before. and I know why I have such an unhealthy relationship with sex. why i resent childbirth and to some degree men in general.
on this website they say:

"We suspect that men's ignorance and intolerance unfortunately brought a lot of unnecessary and unnatural pain to us and one is the pain a lot of girls still go through the first time they have sex.
It is believed by many women and men that hymens will HAVE TO ‘break’ during first-time sex and that pain and/blood will be a common experience.
Now, we are NOT saying that it is a myth that for many young girls first-time sex will be a horror story and painful experience with blood, pain and discomfort. We know that those myths aren't myths at all. Unfortunately painful first-time sex does happen, those horror stories aren't fiction, they are vivid recollections of a traumatic experience.
And it happens way too often than it should."

The first time I had sex, it was extremely painful. I bled. When I went to pee after ward, I felt like someone had cut me open and I bled some more.
I only had sex with that guy a handful of times after that (even though we dated for 2 years). And it was always just as painful. I thought this was because we didn't have sex often enough for me to "stretch" out or because my hymen "healed back together" how little I knew! It shouldn't have hurt AT ALL. It should have been slightly uncomfortable the first time and then great after that. it hurt all the time with him, every time was extremely painful. Combine that with the fact that he was manipulative and emotionally (sometimes physically) abusive, it was a pretty traumatic experience.
My next boyfriend was patient and gentle. With him, I was always in control and sex was uncomfortable but not intolerable. Often I would be sore after ward. we only had sex a handful of times.
My current boyfriend of 3 years and I are still struggling with painful sex. It is always uncomfortable and I often have to ask him to stop before he finishes. 6 months into our relationship I talked to a gyno in Raleigh about my pain and she told me that I probably wasn't turned on enough or using enough lube. (we had a large bottle with a pump on it btw) She disregarded my real pain. I have left exams at the student health service at my university in tears because the doctor was so rough. When I would tell them I was in pain, they disregarded it and told me to relax.
My current doctor is extremely understanding and has set up an appointment with a specialist in her practice for me. This woman specializes in all kinds of sexual function disorders. Although I am 99% sure that I have vaginismus, I want to be officially diagnosed and proceed with treatment. She apparently often sends people to physical therapy and counseling.
I am angry that no one ever told me that it wasn't supposed to hurt. that it wasn't even supposed to be uncomfortable. I didn't know it wasn't supposed to hurt, because it always did for me. I always wondered why girls at my school were so slutty. Why would you want to have sex? Its not all that great.
I feel like a big part of my womanhood is missing. I don't feel sexy. and why would I? I have never gained pleasure from sex. what would be appealing to me about flirting, dressing sexy, taking my boyfriend home to bed? I am angry that doctors ignored my complaints, angry that I had to figure out what was wrong with me on my own. I am terrified that the treatment won't work. terrified that my relationship with someone I want to spend my life with will fail because of this.
I'm tired of dreading sex. Tired of missing what everyone else loves so much. Tired of not feeling sexy and attractive. Tired of my sex drive getting killed by this.

I wish I could scream. I am planning to take a print out of the section about the hurtful things gynos do and say off the vaginismus awareness network site in addition to information about diagnosing, treating and symptoms of vaginismus to the doctors who have done me wrong. I think it is unacceptable that I have been treated the way I have been. I want them to know what they did to me and why it was wrong. and what they SHOULD have done and what they SHOULD have known.
I don't know quite what to do with all this anger.


I am almost 100% sure that I have something called "vaginismus" Basically, my vaginal floor muscles tighten whenever there is penetration and possibly even thoughts about penetration. Sex is almost always painful. it feels like he is too big for me, it burns, stings and there's lots of pressure. often there is a high degree of pain after sex.
obviously, this has largely killed my sex drive. my body doesn't really want it anymore because my brain has been conditioned to link sex with pain. I pretty much never initiate sex with my boyfriend. I never attack him or anything. This is creating a big problem in my relationship. He doesn't feel wanted because I don't ever initiate sex. when we do have sex, he is frustrated because he feels like he can't enjoy himself because so many movements and positions hurt that he is constantly worried he is hurting me. sometimes when he climaxes it causes me a great deal of pain but I let him finish because I don't want to cut him off right at the peak. but he tells me that its not even a good orgasm then because I'm in pain.
I always looked around me at all these slutty girls at my college go sleep with everyone and wondered why they did it. I have never had sex without some degree of pain (sometimes very very little, sometimes so much I have to stop) So I can't understand why they want to do it. until I realized that for them, its entirely pleasure. why did this have to happen to me? why do I have to suffer? its not fair. they get to go sleep with whoever they want and it feels good. I can't even make love to someone I have been with for 3 years without pain. its just not fair.
I found a self treatment kit online that has books, a DVD, a workbook and 5 dilators and it costs $100. considering an average vibrator costs between 30 and 50 bucks, I think that two books, a DVD and a dilator set is a good deal at $100. My university offers free counseling to students, so I think I'm gonna ask my boyfriend to buy me the kit and I'll follow the self treatment plan in that as well as get counseling. I think counseling may help with fixing my brain's conditional response to sex as well as some pent up issues from my past that affect me sexually. The only thing I'm wondering is if I should go see my gynecologist before I buy the treatment kit. Not that she would tell me anything different but just to see if she can write me some sort of recommendation for the kit so that maybe my insurance will cover it.
I just hope it works. I really really need it to work.